“I’m afraid to eat.”
I said that to a reporter. It’s going to come out in an article and I will look to be the worst person ever on Mounjaro.
What’s sad about that comment is that I profess to be happier about my improving labs than the weight loss, but the reality is quite the opposite.
It’s a rush to tell people I am down 152 pounds! While inside I know the truth that labs are more important and that is why I am on medication, my indoctrination into our culture and society wins out that bragging about my weight loss is more fun than telling people my Hemoglobin A1c went from 7.8 to 5.1.
I’m Still Such a Mess
How can I still have so many disordered thoughts about food after 40 years of therapy?! How can I go from binge eating to looking longingly at minimal eating?
I don’t have any desire to not eat anything, just only wanting to eat infrequently and with minimal calories.
(Look at my explanation/justification. That’s kind of sad, too, trying to convince you readers I am not that bad. Just kind of not the best.)
Saying It Out Loud Helps
Being able to say it here helps me look at my words in the glaring light. I can alter my eating based on what I heard myself say to the reporter and at the words resonating in my head over these last few days. And now, what I am sharing here.
I’m writing this because I can’t imagine I am the only one who swings from eating thousands of calories a day to relishing the lack of food noise and the removal of the constant imploring from our bodies to eat, eat, and eat some more. In all the videos and articles and posts I have seen and read, I have not heard anyone else talk about this. Are you out there? Am I just missing the conversation?
My Plan
First, I will send an email to my Endocrinologist, confessing my thoughts and asking how many calories a day I should be eating.
Second, I have a call in to my amazing therapist and will, once again (for the 10-thousanth time), work on my eating history and disordered thoughts around it all.
Third, I will make a menu that is balanced in foods and has the appropriate amount of calories the Endo tells me I need.
Fourth, I will periodically check in here so I am held accountable for my actions.
Still So Much to Learn
Just when I think I have it all figured out, the Universe laughs and shows me how very wrong I am. I’m more open to learning now than I have ever been before.
Onward ho!