As I watch people talk about the changes in their lives, I thought I would share some of what life is like as a really fat person (I was had Class V obesity in 2022). I have been over 350 pounds most of my adult life, losing 80 pounds with Fen-Phen in 1995, 190 pounds after a Gastric Bypass in 2001, , but since I had my third baby in 1986, I have usually been over 300 pounds.
I started this latest weight loss journey in April, 2022 at 405 pounds.
Living with that much weight for so long creates subconscious thoughts and actions that, until a great deal of weight is lost, are barely noticed. These are what I want to share. None of this is the Food Noise that runs like a ticker tape through my brain. Read more about that in GLP-1 Crushes Food Noise.
Automatic Thoughts That
Race Through My Mind (Still)
(As an aside, NONE of the things on this list is an issue anymore. Not one.
Yet my mind still processes things as if I were in my super-fat body.)
- Will my ass fit in that chair?
- “I need a table, not a booth, please.”
- “Can I get a chair without arms, please?” (this is in restaurants, doctor’s offices, people’s houses, etc.)
- Will that toilet seat break when I sit on it?
- That toilet seat will never hold me. (As I hold my pee and find somewhere else to go if possible.)
- That toilet seat is gross. (There is no such thing as hovering over 300 pounds.)
- Fuck, I have to call 911 because I fell and can’t get up. (I shit myself waiting for them.) 4 men had to help me up.
- I cut my foot and can’t reach the bleeding. I need to call 911 to put a Bandaid on it. (I did.)
- The ambulance is taking me to the ER and I have to apologize 100 times to the group of men who have to lift the gurney into the ambulance.
- There are no gowns that fit me in the hospital. I will just buy my own that fit people up to 600 pounds (on Amazon).
- When I had surgery to have skin cancer removed from my back, the Operating Room team dropped me wrong on the table and my breast split underneath and when they caught me, fingers bruised my arms, side, and legs. The surgeon and team apologized and he and I decided surgery will be with me awake and sitting up from now on unless it was terribly invasive.
- (When walking anywhere) Where is there a chair? Bench? A wall to lean against?
- How long will I have to stand?
- I can’t breathe (after taking less than ten steps).
- Let me grab the walker (as I go from my bedroom to the kitchen).
- I can’t clean the room. (My kids came 2-3 times a year to clean it for me.)
- I can’t pick that up off the floor. (Bought a reacher-thingie for that.)
- “I can’t sit in that dining room chair. May I have a sturdier chair, please?”
- If I sit on the couch, someone will have to help me get up.
- “Can I sit next to the buffet? I can’t walk very far.”
- Sweeping my floor would take two days and it is a 12×14 foot room.
- I couldn’t find underwear or bras big enough so wore neither for decades.
- My clothes were incredibly expensive because they were super-sized (way beyond the biggest you could find in any store). I owned three dresses.
- I could only wear Birkenstocks because they were slide-on.
- The pair of free ortho shoes I got from the foot doctor sat unused because they closed with Velcro and I could not reach it to close the shoes.
- I was told I couldn’t go to the nail salon for my pedicures anymore because I didn’t fit in the chair or spread my feet apart enough for the girls to work.
- I had the podiatrist’s office cut my toenails.
- Who’s watching me eat?
- That little boy is pointing.
- “You will not find any surgeon to remove your gallbladder because you are too big.” This was from a Hepatologist in 2018, looking at me with complete disdain. I did find one a year later… one who also did Bariatric Surgery. He was a dream.
- “We don’t have a speculum large enough for your Pap. Let me give you a referral to a GYN doctor who should.” (Not will, but should.)
- There is no way I can climb up onto the exam table.
- I am soooo glad they have the new exam tables that raise and lower hydraulically.
- “You can’t tape the Blood Pressure Cuff on. It won’t stay on.” (It ripped. This was 30 years ago.)
- Before providers learned they could take BP on the lower arm, I was pinched to bruising dozens of times.
- “Put the BP cuff on my lower arm, please.”
- Fuck, this is the third/fourth/fifth/sixth poke to start an IV or draw blood.
- “Please get the PICC team to put my IV in.” (They use an ultrasound to find the vein.)
- “I only want a PICC team member to draw my blood (when I am admitted to the hospital for any period of time).” “I’m sorry, we can’t do that.” “Then I will not be having my blood drawn.” Miraculously, someone from the PICC team would come in at 5:00am to draw my blood.
- There is nothing for me at Disney World except bags, earrings, and Mickey ears for a souvenir. Nothing else will fit.
- I can’t breathe. (again)
- I can’t remember the last time I wore pants or shorts.
- I can only wear sleeveless dresses because my upper arms are too big.
- Oops, I ripped my dress again.
- Oh, this is too small. Into the back of the closet for when I lose weight again (which never happened).
- I’m suffocatingly hot.
- I’m glad I have a dry washcloth to soak up my sweat.
- It’s 36F degrees, but I can’t put socks or closed shoes on, so have to freeze.
- “No, I don’t have a sweater or long sleeves or closed shoes or socks. I’m fine!” (While I freeze my patootie off.)
- Having two periods a year isn’t healthy, but I don’t mind so much. (PCOS)
- I hate taking insulin. (So I didn’t. A lot.)
- I hope there’s an electric scooter when I go into Target/Publix/Walmart/etc.
- “I need to rent a scooter.” At Disney World, when I would go.
- I need to rent a scooter so I have one at the Resort so I don’t have to walk to the Disney World Park’s gates.
- “I won’t fit in that wheelchair.”
- “I need a big girl wheelchair, please.”
- “Can someone wheel me to the desk, please?”
- My feet are killing me and I haven’t walked anywhere except to the bathroom.
- My knees hurt so much.
- I can’t breathe. (and again)
- I’m not going to show my face at the party. I’m too fat.
- I don’t have anything to wear that isn’t a muumuu.
- If I order two meals, I’ll take one home and they won’t know I will be the only one eating them.
- Thank God for Uber Eats! I can choose anything I want and eat in private.
- It looks like I’m feeding a family (when Uber Eats delivers).
- It’s Halloween! Time to stock up on super-size bags of candy!
- What will people think of my candy stash if I die today?
- I have to have this bookcase right next to me because I can’t get off the chair to get a pen from across the room.
- It’s been two weeks since I had a shower. I will do that tomorrow. It will be my only exertion all day. I can take a nap after my shower.
- I hate that it takes 30 minutes to take a shower.
- I need oxygen in the shower.
- My underbelly reeks. I need more medication to make the yeasties go away.
- I’ve got a yeast infection in the crease in my thigh. Ugh.
- My feet are cracked and bleeding. I can’t reach to put the ointment on them. I need to make an appointment with the podiatrist to help.
- I hope I don’t get my foot cut off with diabetes infection because I can’t take care of my feet properly.
- I need to buy another butt wiping tool so I can reach to clean myself.
- I need to buy more baby wipes to wipe my butt with the reaching tool.
- I hate that I can’t wipe myself after I pee. I have to sit on a towel to get dry.
- Going to the bathroom in public is a 10-minute production. People are going to knock to get me out faster.
- Toilet paper is only to blow my nose. I can’t even use it where it’s supposed to be used.
- Oh, it’s going to take hours to put the groceries away.
- I can’t breathe. (and yet again)
- I need a CPAP.
- That Uber driver just looked at me and left.
- That one did, too.
- “Please move the seat up so I can get in.”
- No seat belt fits, why try?
- Exercise? Are you high? I would die!
- Walk for exercise? You coming with oxygen?
- I can’t come see you because I don’t fit in the plane without two seats. Even then, it will be tight.”
- I will never date again.
- I can’t have sex even if I wanted to.
- I’m so ugly.
I know that can’t be it, but it’s a damn good start.
It sucks having obesity, especially in its severe states.
I am so blessed to have had Trulicity and now have Mounjaro. Thank you, Eli Lilly!
I can finally LIVE!
